Life

Reduced to Your Possessions

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When I decided to live in a more present and simpler way, one of the effects that happened almost as a natural reaction was for me to rid of excess in my life, material and other. After evaluating much of my life in a systemic way, I started to let go of stuff first, and eventually, of every other thing that did not fell into balance with my life’s systems. Stuff was a significant area for me, years of accumulation, of excess. This act of letting go opened my eyes to many areas, and I became aware of how possessions dictate on one’s way of living, how people identify with their possessions, and ultimately, how one’s identity can be reduced to one’s possessions, by ourselves and by the perception of others as well. Our living is reduced to maintaining such possessions, and in a way, the stuff that was supposed to enhance living, ends up diminishing it.

I remember attending a funeral when I was much younger, and as I approached the widow to give her my condolences, I decided to wait aside until she finished her conversation with a couple. Without intention, I overheard the man asking this grieving widow how much she wanted for her late husband’s car. Obviously, it was not the time and place to ask that question. This scene stayed in my mind until today. It made me realized how people see other people after death, and how inconsiderate a person who is materially oriented can become. On a more recent observation of human behavior, I observed how a man who owned many vehicles was reduced to his possessions after he died. The next day, there were many takers looking to buy his vehicles. One of them, even checking out a motorcycle during the family service which was at the home of the deceased. This reminded me of the first incident that happened many years ago, its similarity, and made me think of how I would like to be remembered when I go to meet my maker. I am sure that most of us have heard stories about family feuds after a patriarch or matriarch dies, and of siblings fighting for an inheritance and relationships being broken for the same reasons. It happens in the closest of families.

I am not a minimalist, and I can appreciate beautiful things, but I don’t want my identity to be based on stuff, neither how other people might remember me by. When we approach the relation to our possessions as stewards of the material blessings we receive instead of owners or collectors, we become more grateful, but also more generous. We also learn to see people for their true essence and not their status or material abundance, and as a default, we end up having better human to human interactions once we remove the material filter.

Role Models, Where are They?

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I think that younger generations are lacking something that was very important for older generations – role models. Our society has decline in this sense, and instead, a younger generation is filling that void with role models found in Hollywood celebrities and even AI, wherever they can find the ideal, even when it may be a bit removed from reality. If you had an influential and positive role model in your life, count yourself blessed. When we are young, we might not recognize the significant influence of a role model in our life, but later on, in hindsight, we realize how blessed we were.

I had two strong role models in my life, both women, and they contributed much to the woman I am today. One of them, my grandmother, the strong, courageous, and righteous woman who raised me. I can honestly say that she was the living image of the woman in Proverbs 31. I learned so much character and wisdom from her (and much more) throughout my childhood and my early younger years, but her teachings lasted a lifetime.

As a young and married adult in my 20s, I met my second role model, a Jewish woman who introduced me to business concepts, an area of my life that had no previous exposure as far as learning. I value her teachings to this day because she inspired in me a learning for such things and gave me a view of myself that I never had before in that sense. She inspired me to dream more, for the first time.

These women, very different but similar in character, and from very different cultures, upbringing, religious views, education, and socioeconomic backgrounds, shaped much of my thinking in a positive way, and I am so grateful for having them in my life at an early age. When I think about what I consider a scarcity in role models these days, I see a correlation with the erosion of our value system as a society. Times may change, technology may modernize and influence the way we do daily living, but core values should remain and not get lost within a rapid changing culture. These are basic rules of engagement, of humanity and societal goodness that we ought to pass on to the next generation.

It is Not You!

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We are conditioned and bombarded with messages from the second we arrive in this world, positive and negative, messages of becoming a success and live up to our unlimited potential. These messages may be subtle or direct, and they become ingrained in our minds and hearts so deeply that we spend the rest of our lives chasing the success we were told and promised if we did all the right things. It happens in every culture on this planet, but here, we call it the American Dream.

People sacrifice everything in the pursuit of this promise, and when they see that some poor soul rose from the ashes and achieved what they have dreamed of, well, it serves as a reinforcement that they are in the right path, that no sacrifice is in vain. They say, “I too, will succeed.” But what happens when you have done all the right things, taken all the right steps, followed the rules, sacrificed much, and success has not materialized how you visualized it? It puzzles you, it shrinks you, it demoralizes you because deep inside you know well that you gave it your all, and more so.

Have you ever thought of something, that the piece of the puzzle that refuses to connect, to finish your picture of success has nothing to do with you? That there is nothing wrong with you, that it is not you? That you are living in an imperfect system that failed you, and not the other way around? You did not fail. You are not a failure. You did everything you learned you were supposed to do, you followed every rule, you sacrificed much more than you should have, and you gave more than one hundred percent in the pursuit of your dream. If you can honestly answer, “Yes, I did all that,” then you did not fail. You did not fail yourself, you did not fail your loved ones, and you did not fail “the system,” but the system failed you. A system that has not evolved with each new generation but that has eroded in every area possible, and has become obsolete, slowly.

Each one of us has a different journey to follow, and one doesn’t fit all. If today, you are feeling exhausted, drained, demoralized, and even without faith, don’t blame yourself for your “material failures”. There is much more to your journey here than the material success that you were sold into since you arrived at your earthly living. The One who designs everything designed your journey, and with it, it gave you the freedom to choose. Every new day that you receive only means that your journey has not ended, that there is still more to come, and that you are certainly more important in this journey of yours than the imperfect and incomplete image of success that you were presented with and sold when you didn’t know better. But now you do. You are finally free. It is not you, and you are not a failure. So, pick up your journey and invite your Designer, your Maker, your Creator into the rest of your life. But this time, knowing fully that it is not you, that you are not a failure, but a victor in Him.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” Proverbs 16:3

Not a Debate, Nor a Battle

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Ever had a conversation with someone that becomes exhausting and it goes nowhere? Every word said needs to be analyzed or contested, if not enlightened by some not needed piece of information. By the end of the conversation, which one welcomes, there is this feeling of exhaustion and drainage. I have met many people like that, and it is very difficult to have a conversation with them because their focus is to debate anything and/or everything that is said. It is not a pleasant exchange, but futile, even when no attempt to re-establish a point is made.

Life is not a battle or debate. Instead, it is an interaction, an open exchange of ideas between people, whether explicit or not, through words and actions. There is no need to approach a conversation with our backs against a wall, ready to fire back. Unless it is an intended discussion were points and opinions are to be debated, there is no need to be defensive or pedagogical. I have seen people become easily agitated or stressed out in normal circumstances, and part of it is their approach at viewing existence as a constant battle, where every social exchange has to be a debate; a battle against what?

People are different (thank God), have different ideas, ways to approach living, and they come from different backgrounds/cultures. One culture does not define planet Earth; all are part of the beautiful human race. We seem to miss that point. It may sound pollyannaish, but life is not meant to be a constant battle or war of the words. The old advice of “let’s agree to disagree” alludes to this type of interaction, and maybe one more appropriate would be to “live and let live,” as the song says. All in the right context.

Writing characters in depth, may sometimes, become exhausting, and many times, reading them as well. It depends on the context and also on how well the writer has experienced/observed the emotions attached to these characters. I don’t think a character should ever be rushed. I think as writers, we should play with them a bit and see what they are all about before we commit to write them. Others, write themselves.

Not Happiness, but Joy

/ inkspeare

One can be happy and joyful; however, these are not the same. Happiness is expressed at a particular moment, usually when we have good news, have a good time, we obtain or accomplish something we want, or experience a moment that is pleasant and produces the feeling. Joy remains in us, whether things are going our way or not so much. Joy is a state of the heart, mind, and soul. It is inside and reflects on the outside. Happiness is determined by outside occurrences and how we process them and react.

I know a person who has been blessed in many ways; however, this person is always sad, bored, complains about everything and everyone, and says, “I have never been happy.” Even when there is nothing wrong going on in the life of this person, even when people try hard to please and care, the reaction is always the same, sadness and misery. It is very hard to relate to this person because no matter what you say to uplift, counsel, or celebrate, this person always finds a negative word to counteract. This person brings back any particular experience in the past that was negative or painful, even when it may have happened decades ago. At present, this person is experiencing many blessings and surrounded by people who care, and the only thing this person has to do is enjoy the blessings and the people around these blessings, but this is not how this person sees life, on the contrary, this person lives in a continuous state of misery, and in the process, affects the mental and emotional being of others. I truly have never met anyone else like this.

I relate the above story to illustrate that joy does not depend on circumstances such as monetary blessings, health, stability, or any other external factors. This person has all that at the present but cannot experience joy. Yes, as humans, we are fragile and we have moments of sadness and experience painful circumstances in life, sometimes, unbearable. We go through the emotions and feelings that are associated with a particular painful experience, sadness, desperation, anger, brokenness… and we grieve; however, it too shall pass. When we have joy in our life, we know this well, and we recognize our struggles, but also know that we can experience inner peace in the midst of a storm. In my opinion, the best peace is the peace and assurance that I experience through Jesus Christ. It feels like I am not alone to bear it all. This has been my experience in hard times.

One can be momentarily happy, but Joy lives inside a person and it does not depend on happy moments. Life, a gift from God, offers us an array of experiences that we must go through as part of our journey. One can fight it all the way and be miserable an entire existence, like the person I mentioned above, or one can embrace the journey with everything it brings, and find balance, peace, and harmony through letting joy in. May you open your life to receive joy.

Flowers (Photo by M.A.D.)

The Stages of a Simple Beginning (Starting Over)

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Morning Glory (photo by M.A.D.)

Ever had to start over, either by a conscientious and premeditated choice or by a forced circumstance? It is like the Spring that comes after the death of Autumn and the coldness of Winter. The difference between the two circumstances is the degree of trauma or excitement. Either way, one has to start somewhere. So, where to start? Obviously, safety is most important to consider. Once a person has a safe haven where primary needs are met, such as food, shelter, income, and other basic needs, only then a person can start recovering and dreaming again, but not until one has grieved the past. Grieving the past is the one thing that should not be avoided, the sooner the better, and the faster a person can recover from whatever circumstances caused a “starting over” situation. Even in a planned and voluntary fresh start, I have to leave things behind, a form of grieving. Only then, forgiveness is possible, of others and myself. Only then, I will be able to move forward towards a new day, a fresh start, a new beginning. The simpler the start, the better.

Simple beginnings hardly are simple. I have to find balance again, the old is gone, and the new, well, it has not fully arrived yet. I am in a suspended state for a brief time, a time where everything or mostly everything is new, unfamiliar, and unpredictable to some degree. Sometimes, one has to find oneself before charging to a brand-new future; a new present has its own challenges, some easier than others, depending on the circumstances that catapulted the change. Even when the change is planned and executed carefully, the unpredictable shows up.

When embracing a new beginning, a slow pace at first helps me see with more clarity the road ahead, even during sudden change. I might not be able to control circumstances, but I can slow down in the way I react to change; I can always control the part that is me. It all starts with me, and of course, faith. Hope will follow soon enough, and with hope, new dreams and possibilities. Once I start dreaming again, I have begun again.

As writers, many times we place one of our characters in such a predicament of starting over, and by not rushing a character through all the stages of a simple new beginning, we are building the character’s credibility and ultimately that character’s truth. When we don’t rush ourselves, and we go through the same stages, we start regaining confidence, believing in ourselves once more, finding our truth. But life is not fiction, even if we deny reality and try to live in our own fantasy. Eventually, the fantasy dissolves and we are left with the possibility of change, of making the decision of a simple new beginning, even when that might be just as simple as embracing a brand-new day, as it is for many. During that time, kindness to ourselves and others on the way will make the most significance.

When we focus on our differences, we don’t see need, and we miss an opportunity for kindness. Kindness with promotion cheapens it. Kindness without forgiveness cancels it.

The Mystifying Nature of Time

/ inkspeare

The other day, I had a conversation with my sister that made me think about time, mortality, and my perception of these. She watched a video in which a former supermodel now in her sixties, said that if she were to live until her eighties, she will have about 20 more summers to enjoy. Being about her age, the realization that 20 summers is not too many hit me. Imagine writing these numbers down and crossing each one as time goes by and realizing that 20 is such a finite number and thus, the fragility and brevity of one’s existence. Overwhelming on paper for sure.

Time is aloof. It is long, it is short, it is real, but also measured by our kind, by our humanity. It is freely given; it is used and misused. It is ignored when we think we have much of it but wanted when it seems scarce or limited. It is a blessing but a curse for many. Perception defines it, for every person differently; we give it meaning. It is constant but forgettable. It is natural but also, supernatural and mystifying.

Summers come and go. I never thought about them as a finite number. When I think of what I did last summer, much of it eludes me. Did I enjoy it? Did it just go by as any other season? For some reason, when you start numbering your summers, your life seems to have gone faster, time seems to speed up, and the realization of how fragile one’s existence is, and how special it is as well, certainly puts many things into perspective. Memories are markings of the passing of time. I guess that my point to all of this rambling is that time is a gift, a blessing we are given, and our days are not guaranteed. No one knows for sure what this day will bring, or if it will be the last, so in that sense, would a number even matter?

For us time is linear, but also, it is more than that. Just think of everything that happens at once in your life, with all your interactions, and the people in your circle and beyond, all around you, all interconnected in some supernatural and natural way. Live well the blessing of a new day and be grateful for the time that has been given to you; it is all a gift from above. I am certainly looking forward to this summer.

Photo by M.A.D.

After 10 Years of Living in Black Crow Cottage

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Ten years ago, we moved to rural Virginia and fixed up a dilapidated farmhouse. I ended up naming it Black Crow Cottage, for the many crows who live and play here, one of my favorite birds. I love crows, and I love their song, so when I saw that we had so many around, it was natural to name the farmhouse just that. Over the years, we have done a lot of work on the place. We made it livable; we gave it its soul back. This old farmhouse (circa 1910) has given much to us as well. For those stopping by and visiting this blog for the first time, here’s a picture of the way it looked when we bought it. For more on the whole process you can visit my older posts under Fixing an Old Farmhouse or Restoring an Old Farmhouse.

The old farmhouse as it was, dilapidated, covered in weeds, almost destroyed.

After all this time, we got to know the old farmhouse better. We were respectful of its past but also lived in it knowing that it could be our home in our golden years. Knowing this, we experienced the house and all it had to offer but realized that there are many things that we need to change for making it a permanent residence. This is what this post is all about, the changes that we know we have to make, now that we have lived in it for a decade. Also, we have decided to give it a refresh and paint the entire place, while we rethink the layout. In addition, we love the tight small community in which we live. After the monstrosity data center ordeal that we all lived through, it has been more apparent how special this community is.

Our initial layout served us at the beginning but now we realized that we need a bedroom downstairs. The stairs to the second floor are very narrow and steep (I cannot fit my entire foot on the step). After hurting my knee during the summer, I realized how important it was for us to have a bedroom downstairs. The original layout had a bedroom downstairs, where we set up the living room in order to make the old living room a dining room. The kitchen was an eat-in kitchen. For long term living, the old set up was much more suitable, so we are reverting to the old set up. Recently, we repainted both rooms and switched the living room to where the dining room was, eliminated the dining room, and now, we are in the process of converting the old living room into a bedroom. We are reverting to the way things used to be and functioned in this old farmhouse.

Below, is a progression of the stairwell during all this time, from the beginning until now. We changed the color and added a much-needed longer railing.

The living room is now where the dining room was. Our family is spread out so we really did not need a large dining room. This is a progression of the old living room, which will become a bedroom, and the new set up for the living room as it is now, located where the dining room was.

The kitchen is in the middle of a refresh right now, we need to paint, and half of it is done. Due to the recent cold temperatures, we stopped painting. The temperatures here have been in the 30s during the day, and in the teens or single digits during the night, sometimes, even a below zero negative wind chill. It has been unusually cold. Here is a progression of the kitchen from its awful early stages when we bought the farmhouse, until now. We still have some work to do, which will continue during this year.

The back room will remain the mudroom/cat room, and it will be repainted. The upstairs will remain a bedroom, and an office, but will be repainted. However, this area has experienced an increase in energy bills, as well as many other counties have, and we are planning to do some energy efficient changes in the future, which will include encapsulating the crawlspace, new roof and insulated siding, as well as closing the second floor by adding a door/wall at the end of the stairway, which can be closed during winter to keep the heat mainly downstairs. This type of farmhouse construction used to bypass insulation and in order to insulate it, a frame has to be built around the entire house (costly) to allow for insulation. It cannot be insulated in the usual way because there is no space between the outside wall and interior wall, thus preventing the airflow and creating mold problems in the future. Since the majority of the heat escapes through the roof and crawlspace, addressing those areas should take care of the issue, as well as using a new pre insulated siding. Those are costly projects that will be planned in the future. For now, adding a wall/door to the upstairs should improve energy consumption considerably, followed by crawlspace encapsulation. We also use a pellet stove for heating, which is very energy efficient.

These are mainly the issues that we will be dealing with to make this farmhouse a place where we can live for many years to come with God’s blessing. I will be sharing the progression in future blog posts. I hope this helps those of you who are going through a renovation of an older home, of how important it is to consider issues that will be relevant in the future, especially if planning to live in it for many years or if it may be a forever home.

A Poor Mentality

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A poor mentality has little to do with money. It relates to vision, how we see the world and relate to it, and that world encompasses our past, present, and future. Our past shapes much of our personality traits but does not determine who we are. Its influence marks us but does not make us. Depending on our past experiences, we view the world as a battlefield or a field of flowers. Simply put, some people had it better than other people; however, that does not determine who we become ultimately. It does influence how we view our present and future, and the struggles we seem to endure, many real, other self-created. If we have developed a poor mentality, our vision will be cloudy and we will be in constant struggle, no matter our true reality.

Not long ago, I had a conversation with someone who struggles with a poor mentality despite blessings. This person was telling me how difficult things are financially, and overall, complaining about life in general. I listened, trying to understand this person’s point of view about the situation. I understood that this person had life challenges but also was very blessed at the same time. Knowing part of this person’s net worth I decided to bring some focus to the overall reality, hoping to ease some of the anxiety. I said, ” I don’t know how much money is in your bank account, but I can tell you about the assets you have that I am aware of, and for what I can tell, your real estate net worth is close to two million dollars according to real estate market value right now, possibly more. “ (I had a RE license when I was younger). This person remained a bit quiet, then said, “Do you think so?” I answered, “I know so, and that is only your properties’ market value, which are already paid in full, and you own straight.” That was the end of that, because this person totally dismissed the information I had just shared and continued to complain about how unfair life was. I was puzzled, but I offered my ears. I also knew that this person made double what my husband and I made monthly. This conversation was an eye opener for me. I understood that a poor mentality will keep your mind captive, jailed, and close the doors to much more than opportunity but also to joy, gratefulness, and in a way, to reality.

I share this real example because it truly shows how dangerous a poor mentality can be, and how blinding as well. It causes us to believe that our hands are tied when the solution is in front of us. It makes us victims when we are blessed. It robs our happiness when we have plenty to be grateful and happy about. It darkens our days. It shuts our mind. It dampens our spirit. It makes us believe what is not real and robs us of hope and much more.

Survival Mode

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The topic of survival is one that I have included in my novels. It is interesting to see how survival can bring out the best or worst in people. It separates heroes from the not so good characters. So is in real life, although I believe that there is redemption for everyone. When a person is in survival mode, it forces the individual to act one way or the other; it brings about the truth of that person. In other words, you cannot fake it when you are in survival mode. It forces you to be what you already are. It shows a person’s true colors.

I will venture to say that in today’s USA, many people are in survival mode, probably more people than we realize. Younger generations are having a tough time keeping up with a very high and unrealistic cost of living and many people are working two plus jobs and hardly making it. Young couples simply cannot afford giving birth because hospital care is simply unaffordable. Food prices, daycare costs, and rent or home prices are truly out of reach for most of the younger generation. It is simple very different from what it was for other generations. In simple words, this generation is being hit from all angles. Most politicians fail to see the struggle, or they are simply not in touch with reality out there. People are struggling to keep a roof over their head and put food on the table, even the most frugal people. Most of Americans are in survival mode. Many people are truly doing all they can, working all they can, and cutting costs as much as they can, and they are still not making it. The disparage and disproportion between wages, education, and labor is ridiculous. The middle class is slowly disappearing in this country. It is easy to put a blindfold and label a generation of being lazy without considering all factors and influences at play.

I have always been an observer by nature. How many times have I witnessed someone at the supermarket leave just a few groceries because the card did not take? How many times have I heard a mother tell her child, “Sorry honey, we don’t have enough for “this” today;” “this” being a food item, not a toy? How many times have I witnessed someone staring blank at the insane prices in the meat isle at the supermarket, a hopeless stare followed by bypassing the product section, or even putting groceries back? I can tell you more examples, from couples quietly arguing about food, to older people with less than five items in the food cart, oh, so much more. Food is a basic need, and people can’t even eat in what we call the richest country in the world. Many people are in denial, but that is just a coping mechanism when you are or are about to be in survival mode.

If you have ever been in survival mode and have come through, you know well that there is a lesson to be learned from all of it, and most likely, you recognize that lesson. Most likely, you come out with a sense of gratefulness, stronger, and wiser. Most likely, you have learned about yourself, your true self, and the things that are not to be taken for granted anymore. Most likely, there is a sense of renewal and hope, of clarity and inner peace, and a healthy dose of pride after surviving the event. Having experienced survival mode at one time in my life, I can say that faith is an important component to make it through, that is, faith in yourself, and faith in a higher power. Don’t forget to count your blessings because they are many, in any circumstance.