goals

The Well is Almost Dry in Every Sense of the Word

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In memory of Dolly (Photo by M.A.D.)

When I set out to write this blog, many years ago, definitely more than a decade ago, I wanted to write about my journey as an indie author, my journey from the Jersey shore to the Virginia countryside, and my journey fixing up a dilapidated farmhouse. Today, I am writing about all of this and my view/feelings about it.

It has been a very dry year; the Southside is still under severe drought, a step down from extreme drought. Other counties have seen rain and with it some relief; however, Southside VA has seen a few drops here and there. The clouds roll, the thunder roars, the wind follows, but the rain never falls. My water well has seen the effects of the low or already dry creeks around here. Months ago, an older Amish man mentioned to me that his son was having trouble with the well that was used for the cows. It has become drier since then. The garden is very dry, and we hardly had any blooms this year; some plants died, as these cannot be watered properly. Last year, I collected a wheelbarrow of grapes; this year, only a bowl.

This year’s grapes (photo by M.A.D.)

The drought started officially last autumn, but this writer’s inkwell has been drying for a while now, as far as my work in progress goes. Yes, as far as my novels, I cannot seem to unlock the gate that will let the flood through, and although I have plenty of ideas for other novels, it is the current work in progress that has become stale. I am not sure why and neither do I have a logical explanation that will appease my soul, other than I have realized and come to terms in accepting my dislike and disdain for Amazon, which is my only platform for publishing at the moment. I believe that it has deteriorated and degraded in a way that is plain and simple disrespectful not only to the craft, but to the millions of serious authors who trusted it with their works from the beginning. The gatekeeper failed writers, or maybe it was set up to “fail for profit” since the start. AI only adds another layer to the madness and chaos.

My love of writing has not been altered; only the venue to bring it to life has, and until I make peace with it, or step away to embrace another venue, I don’t know if my current work will see the light soon. I don’t even know if it will make a difference, after all, Amazon is still the number one venue for independent authors, even when more and more indie writers are leaving this venue. As of today, I don’t have an answer; time will tell. I will tend to my writing, as if it was my secret garden, even if I don’t decide to publish right away.

My love affair with this old farmhouse continues, and we (my husband and I) continue to make it better year after year, following the initial vision we had for it, but also making adjustments to the plan as needed. For example, converting part of the downstairs into a bedroom, a necessary endeavor after realizing that the stairs were too steep and difficult to climb when I injured my knee last year. It will be needed in the future as well, that is, if we age in place. Other important issues have derailed some of the work, such as an almost-dry water well, and the need to hook up to public town water in the near future, as well as new neighbors who do not understand private property boundaries, and continue to use part of our property as a football field, central park, or a parking lot, which has prompted the need to install a fence due to obvious liability reasons, making this, another big ticket item that has derailed the previous plans. The downstairs bedroom will be finished this coming weekend. On a positive note, all this increases real estate value. A time for everything and everything in its time seems to be my motto now. Either or, I will be glad to welcome a very wet and stormy autumn if we are blessed with it.

As far as this blog, it will continue its initial purpose, but also, it has become a very dear part of my journey, and a priceless way to connect with the rest of humanity. Human connection is one of the most beautiful gifts from God, and so is creativity. I will end this post with a few pictures I took this summer, moments that captured my attention for a bit.

Baby deer has grown quickly. He was born near the blue shed (Photo by M.A.D)
Mama deer teamed up with another mom, and both are raising their babies together. I guess it is a smart way to assure that either baby is safe or taken care if something happens to either one of the mothers. (Photo by M.A.D.)
Marigolds were the only flowers that bloomed in large quantity and were definitely a lifesaver for butterflies. (Photo by M.A.D.)
I decided to move the hummingbird feeder to the porch, and now humans and felines can enjoy the show. Also, it keeps the nectar a bit cooler. (photo by M.A.D.)
Always very happy to see one of these around – stik bug (Photo by M.A.D.)
And one of these as well (Photo by M.A.D.)
The old farmhouse today, and a work in progress (photo by M.A.D.)

Love and Light

Life Beyond Expectations

/ inkspeare
Morning Glory (photo by M.A.D.)

The above picture inspired this post. Accidentally, I broke part of the morning glory plant growing by the side entrance. It had a lovely flower, so I placed it in water, near the kitchen sink, and by the window. I figured it would last a day, two at most. However, by the next day, the flower did not open and fell when I touched it. The plant seemed alright, and it would perk up in the morning and go to rest in the afternoon, just as Morning Glory does, so I let it be. By the end of the week, a new little flower developed at another part of the vine. It is the flower in the picture. I was surprised by this, as this little flower developed beyond my expectations.

It happens with our lives as well. We are full of expectations, plans, dreams, and many hopeful things and thoughts that many times, do not come to fruition or developed as we expected; however, life goes on. It is a journey. It continues beyond our expectations, and whether we were able to grow the flowers we intended to or not, our journey always comes with new offerings, new flowers, because there will always be life beyond expectations. Our journey is full of “flowers;” some open fully and on time, some never bloom, other bloom halfway, other for a very short time, but other open and bloom when we least expect it. Those are the ones that take our breath away.

It is Not You!

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We are conditioned and bombarded with messages from the second we arrive in this world, positive and negative, messages of becoming a success and live up to our unlimited potential. These messages may be subtle or direct, and they become ingrained in our minds and hearts so deeply that we spend the rest of our lives chasing the success we were told and promised if we did all the right things. It happens in every culture on this planet, but here, we call it the American Dream.

People sacrifice everything in the pursuit of this promise, and when they see that some poor soul rose from the ashes and achieved what they have dreamed of, well, it serves as a reinforcement that they are in the right path, that no sacrifice is in vain. They say, “I too, will succeed.” But what happens when you have done all the right things, taken all the right steps, followed the rules, sacrificed much, and success has not materialized how you visualized it? It puzzles you, it shrinks you, it demoralizes you because deep inside you know well that you gave it your all, and more so.

Have you ever thought of something, that the piece of the puzzle that refuses to connect, to finish your picture of success has nothing to do with you? That there is nothing wrong with you, that it is not you? That you are living in an imperfect system that failed you, and not the other way around? You did not fail. You are not a failure. You did everything you learned you were supposed to do, you followed every rule, you sacrificed much more than you should have, and you gave more than one hundred percent in the pursuit of your dream. If you can honestly answer, “Yes, I did all that,” then you did not fail. You did not fail yourself, you did not fail your loved ones, and you did not fail “the system,” but the system failed you. A system that has not evolved with each new generation but that has eroded in every area possible, and has become obsolete, slowly.

Each one of us has a different journey to follow, and one doesn’t fit all. If today, you are feeling exhausted, drained, demoralized, and even without faith, don’t blame yourself for your “material failures”. There is much more to your journey here than the material success that you were sold into since you arrived at your earthly living. The One who designs everything designed your journey, and with it, it gave you the freedom to choose. Every new day that you receive only means that your journey has not ended, that there is still more to come, and that you are certainly more important in this journey of yours than the imperfect and incomplete image of success that you were presented with and sold when you didn’t know better. But now you do. You are finally free. It is not you, and you are not a failure. So, pick up your journey and invite your Designer, your Maker, your Creator into the rest of your life. But this time, knowing fully that it is not you, that you are not a failure, but a victor in Him.

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.” Proverbs 16:3

Not Happiness, but Joy

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One can be happy and joyful; however, these are not the same. Happiness is expressed at a particular moment, usually when we have good news, have a good time, we obtain or accomplish something we want, or experience a moment that is pleasant and produces the feeling. Joy remains in us, whether things are going our way or not so much. Joy is a state of the heart, mind, and soul. It is inside and reflects on the outside. Happiness is determined by outside occurrences and how we process them and react.

I know a person who has been blessed in many ways; however, this person is always sad, bored, complains about everything and everyone, and says, “I have never been happy.” Even when there is nothing wrong going on in the life of this person, even when people try hard to please and care, the reaction is always the same, sadness and misery. It is very hard to relate to this person because no matter what you say to uplift, counsel, or celebrate, this person always finds a negative word to counteract. This person brings back any particular experience in the past that was negative or painful, even when it may have happened decades ago. At present, this person is experiencing many blessings and surrounded by people who care, and the only thing this person has to do is enjoy the blessings and the people around these blessings, but this is not how this person sees life, on the contrary, this person lives in a continuous state of misery, and in the process, affects the mental and emotional being of others. I truly have never met anyone else like this.

I relate the above story to illustrate that joy does not depend on circumstances such as monetary blessings, health, stability, or any other external factors. This person has all that at the present but cannot experience joy. Yes, as humans, we are fragile and we have moments of sadness and experience painful circumstances in life, sometimes, unbearable. We go through the emotions and feelings that are associated with a particular painful experience, sadness, desperation, anger, brokenness… and we grieve; however, it too shall pass. When we have joy in our life, we know this well, and we recognize our struggles, but also know that we can experience inner peace in the midst of a storm. In my opinion, the best peace is the peace and assurance that I experience through Jesus Christ. It feels like I am not alone to bear it all. This has been my experience in hard times.

One can be momentarily happy, but Joy lives inside a person and it does not depend on happy moments. Life, a gift from God, offers us an array of experiences that we must go through as part of our journey. One can fight it all the way and be miserable an entire existence, like the person I mentioned above, or one can embrace the journey with everything it brings, and find balance, peace, and harmony through letting joy in. May you open your life to receive joy.

Flowers (Photo by M.A.D.)

The Mystifying Nature of Time

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The other day, I had a conversation with my sister that made me think about time, mortality, and my perception of these. She watched a video in which a former supermodel now in her sixties, said that if she were to live until her eighties, she will have about 20 more summers to enjoy. Being about her age, the realization that 20 summers is not too many hit me. Imagine writing these numbers down and crossing each one as time goes by and realizing that 20 is such a finite number and thus, the fragility and brevity of one’s existence. Overwhelming on paper for sure.

Time is aloof. It is long, it is short, it is real, but also measured by our kind, by our humanity. It is freely given; it is used and misused. It is ignored when we think we have much of it but wanted when it seems scarce or limited. It is a blessing but a curse for many. Perception defines it, for every person differently; we give it meaning. It is constant but forgettable. It is natural but also, supernatural and mystifying.

Summers come and go. I never thought about them as a finite number. When I think of what I did last summer, much of it eludes me. Did I enjoy it? Did it just go by as any other season? For some reason, when you start numbering your summers, your life seems to have gone faster, time seems to speed up, and the realization of how fragile one’s existence is, and how special it is as well, certainly puts many things into perspective. Memories are markings of the passing of time. I guess that my point to all of this rambling is that time is a gift, a blessing we are given, and our days are not guaranteed. No one knows for sure what this day will bring, or if it will be the last, so in that sense, would a number even matter?

For us time is linear, but also, it is more than that. Just think of everything that happens at once in your life, with all your interactions, and the people in your circle and beyond, all around you, all interconnected in some supernatural and natural way. Live well the blessing of a new day and be grateful for the time that has been given to you; it is all a gift from above. I am certainly looking forward to this summer.

Photo by M.A.D.

Because Sometimes, Change is Good

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Where did the year go? For me, it was truly a whirlwind that swept me in many directions, expected and unexpected, some good, some not so good; however here I am, thankful for it all, and looking forward to next year experiences, whatever they might be. It is life; it means I am alive and open to God’s plan for my life. This is my last post for the year, and I was not sure of what to write to end the year. I did not want it to be another holiday post, so here I am, winging it. Just think of it as a conversation from the heart.

Sometimes, we let ourselves be influenced by others, whether that be media, friends, family, acquaintances, influencers, groups, religion, politics … You name it. Everyone has anything to say about how we should live and plan our existence, but when we think about it, nobody really has the answers. Life is given to us to experience and fulfill it, one day, moment, second at a time. When you think about it, it is beautiful. We were presented with this gift that we did not ask for, and we have the freedom to live it. Whatever things are thrown in the package, it is all ours to make something of it. We are all one big conglomerate in the human race; we all want to live a happy and peaceful, joyful life. We are more similar than not. Hate is a disease, it is sickness. Love is a cure. We decide. We might be influenced, negatively or positively, but we decide. We decide how to act, react, and what to let into our life, what we give our attention to, and how we live day by day. In the end, we only have this day, and sometimes, not even a full one; our seconds are in the hand of our Creator, but so are our blessings. Does it really matter if someone else has more than you? or if you did not meet your goals this year? Does it? When I think about it, and in the big scheme of the journey, it truly does not. I don’t know how long my journey is, no one does, so why not choose love over sickness, inner peace over discontent, gladness over bitterness, and hope, especially hope. The journey is meaningless without hope, and faith.

I hope that you embrace the holiday season and next year with hope, faith, and at peace with yourself, the rest will come when it needs to come. When God made you, he knew who he made, but also, your journey. Your journey is not meant to be stationary; it is meant to be full of change, and change brings growth, knowledge, and understanding, and with understanding comes kindness, and with kindness, love. In that sense, change is good.

I wish you and yours a joyous holiday season and may next year be filled with the kind of blessings that only come from above, the best kind, in my opinion. Merry Christmas! God bless you all.

Love and Light,

Inkspeare

For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6 NKJ)

It is About Focus and Faith

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While researching, I came across the following quote, which inspired this blogpost.

“Dictatorships are one-way streets. Democracy boasts two-way traffic.” Alberto Moravia

While reading the above quote, these poetic lines came to mind.

A People’s Will

Soaring above, keen eye, unsteady flight

Eagle must rest on steady land.

Time to choose,

One way street or two-way traffic.

Alberto Moravia was an Italian writer, whom I am not familiar with or have read any of his works; however, this quote stuck with me. It inspired the following.

Many times, people become discouraged by the current political environment. It might affect people in many different ways, whether mentally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. There are many things we cannot control directly; however, we can always control how we react to certain issues, events, and our environment. When we focus on what we can control in our daily lives, our focus change, and so does our response and attitude. What I write here, I have applied myself.

Here are examples of controllables. These controllables apply to many of the issues that we might be experiencing under less than pleasant conditions.

I can control,

A healthy diet and exercise

All my decisions

How I decide to start my day and end it

My thoughts

My spending

My relationship with God

My reaction to the people I interact with, or whom I choose to include in my circle

How I choose to view each challenge/problem

How I manage all my resources

How I choose to live my life

My degree of gratitude each day

What I give my time and effort to

The battles I choose to fight or not

How I view my space, my home, my possessions, with gratitude or not

How I value my life

The priorities and values I set daily

How I manage my time and money

My dreams

My expectations of myself, others, and life

The guilt I put on myself and others

What I let into my mind and space

The physical things I surround myself with

How I treat myself (level of respect, love and understanding) as well as others.

These are only a few controllables, but in my opinion and experience, the most important ones, and the ones that will help center our focus when times are not what we expect or desire.

Ten Things I Would Tell My Young Self if I Could Go Back in Time

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“Enjoy a plate of homemade cookies from time to time.” Photo by M.A.D.

Rainy days make good thoughts. Sometimes, I go back in time and observe the younger version of me, through my memories. I can truly detach and see her with kinder eyes, every step, dreams, goals … through good times, not so good times, and even scary times. In times of wisdom, confusion, loss, fear, naiveté, and even doubt, of happiness and growth … In moments of pure bliss and in times of desperation but always striving for more. Then I think, if I could only go back and tell her; hence, the title of this blogpost. Although there is much more that I would tell her, here are ten things (me-truths) I would definitely tell her (in no particular chronological order).

You are never too little or too much; God made you with value for Him.

Life is not a race against time; it is a celebration of time, slow down a bit.

What you truly think of yourself is more important than what other people think of you; really, it is.

It is perfectly ok not to achieve the ideal of perfection because it is a lie.

Most so-called experts make it up as they go.

One day, you too will be old, in the blink of an eye.

Evil-intentioned people do exist in real life.

Religion is man-made, but Jesus is not.

Never hand off your agency to another; never!

God will never abandon you, no matter what.

What would you tell a younger version of you?

Reflections: One Day at a Time, One Step at a Time

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Photo by M.A.D

One day at a time, one step at a time.

Life would be much more pleasant if we would live in that way. This is a lesson I learned later in life. In my younger years, multitasking and the idea of a “superwoman” who thrived on a crammed schedule and did everything to perfection was idealized. Many of us, gender aside, followed that way of living in our everyday interaction. I remember feeling “guilty” if I had “free time” to myself and even worrying that I were to become lazy if I indulged on even an hour of “unproductive” being. The years passed by, and I had become entrapped in one of the biggest lies Society sold me. When I think about it, that way of life was very materialistic in essence, even when I never saw myself as a materialistic person, on the contrary.

Today, I repeated this question, what is truly important to me? Throughout the years, the answer has been narrowed to include the issues at the core of my true values and loves. Today, I finally understand the meaning of living one day at a time, one step at a time, and from that realization, a sense of peace within that recognizes that life is not a race, and I don’t need trophies or crowns to validate my existence; God has already done so when He made me. It is beautiful to achieve dreams and to celebrate our achievements and of others as well, but not at the expense of living. The mere existence of achieving without the joy and beauty of living is contraindicating. Maybe Hans Christian Anderson understood this well.

“Just living is not enough, said the butterfly, one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.” Hans Christian Anderson

Love and Light